Vanwa/Hecilë

"Departed, lost, vanished, no longer to be had"/"One lost or forsaken by friends"

*sigh*

Spent another little while with my bottle of tears tonight. I should write a poem.

Something about getting drunk on my bottle of tears... While my fragile heart is shattered like glass... Broken and bleeding, staining my sleeves... Because that's how I wear it... Even when torn asunder...

How utterly depressing.

Departed... Vanished... No longer to be had... Lost or forsaken by friends...

Kind of where my heart is right now. Is it a bad thing? Only because I constantly feel lonely. In a life surrounded by family and friends who have shown their love, I still feel loosely disconnected. Not sure why. Then again, I can't think of anyone who's gone through a semi-midlife crisis at 20. Huh.

It's been a time of ripping and wounding, a time of healing and re-prioritizing; some of it needed to happen, some of it really didn't. The part where I broke up with my boyfriend, who I'd been with over a year? Yeah, needed to happen- that re-prioritizing thing. But the part where my best friend leaves, moving halfway across the country, now living 1000 miles away, and not even trying to keep up our friendship? (Who is now back in town for 10 days, causing me an emotional whirlwind- first the breakup, now the revisitation?) That was unnecessary. And ridiculous. God, what are you up to? Because that hurt. You remember me, your Daddy's little girl? Your little princess? Yeah, I'm hurting. Because not only are these things being ripped from me... I'm never going to get them back. Maybe that's what hurts the most. It's like an amputation.

Father, show me Your will... Encourage me with your word, that I'm going through this for a reason! My heart needs You! I need You...

Abba... Your daughter is crying out to you.