Rácina ar Ilya

Broken and Whole.

Tonight, I am both. I am broken, because I ended things with my first boyfriend ever, who I was with for over a year. I am whole, because I know that I did the right thing. See... When it came down to it, he was not willing to leave his place of comfort and get serious about God. My faith is growing and I am learning as I walk with God. He wouldn't even go to church. How can I be with someone when we are on two completely different spiritual planes? Here's the kicker, though... He made this decision consciously. That threw me off a lot. Why would anyone who claimed to love God choose not to be serious about it? A half-hearted love? A lukewarm love? One cannot truly love another unless one loves God. So, when it came down to it... He chose to walk his own way, and leave me and God staring open mouthed at him in confusion. Well, I suppose God knew what was going on... So I was the only open mouthed, confused one. Sometimes, I don't understand why things happen; and sometimes, I understand all too well. I know that because things are the way they are, it had to end. What I don't get is why things are the way they are. Granted, I wouldn't want my former boyfriend to change for me- that would completely throw off my motivation for being with him. But I do want him to change for himself. I want him to let God do such a number on his heart that there's no going back, and he would be the awesomest man ever.

But alas, it was not meant to be. As long as he decides to sit on the fence comfortably instead of doing something about it, we can't be together. How is he taking it? I'm not sure. He says he'll be okay, but I think it's harder on him than he's letting on. Maybe even harder than he thinks. Who knows. I just know I don't have the heart to call him my "ex"- it has such a negative connotation. "Former boyfriend" and "first boyfriend" suit him just fine. I still love him, and that's not going to change for a while. It's not like when people break up, the love automatically dissipates like a morning mist in the sun. It takes time. Healing takes time.

Well, I'm okay. I've been surrounded by love and support from those who love me; I've received a barrage of texts from my darling friends, and set a date with my big brother to talk. Even my aunt came to see me and talk tonight when I was working, because she had heard about what was going on from my cousin, her daughter-in-law. Awesome. The good ol' family grapevine. I'm not complaining, though. She's my favorite aunt and I love her.

People keep saying they're proud of me for standing up for my faith and my beliefs and doing what I knew was right... But if I had just listened to God in the first place, none of this would have happened. I'm not saying I regret it, not at all; I know God is always teaching through circumstances. I just wish sometimes it didn't have to be me who was doing the learning.

:(